See Toy Story 3

Hey, you idiot pieces of human filth. Get up and see Toy Story 3. Find some way to pry the gelatinous blob you call a body off the couch, hop on your Rascal, take up a few seats on the bus, go to the theater, and see this movie. Try not to sit on any kids. They have calciumless, avian bones from all the soda.

I could talk about how the film actively directs your attention toward acknowledging how much you care about the characters Pixar has developed over the trilogy. I could discuss how Pixar's treatment of those characters has evolved and matured and how that evolution presents itself in a beautifully constructed kind of self-awareness paralleling the toy's odyssey with the relatively unseen events unfolding in the lives of Andy and his mother. I could cite the stunning short that precedes the film, as with many of Pixar's theatrical releases. Instead I will tell you what a shit you are for not having seen this movie already.

Toy Story 3 is fantastic, but obviously you are not. You are exactly what is wrong with America and the Western World at large. Settle into your permanent couch imprint and allow me to imprint something on you. I give more of a rat's ass about a plastic cowboy doll invented in the fanciful dreams of a Pixar employee than I do about you, a living (barely), breathing (unfortunately) human being (ehhhhh....). I think about you; about the fact that you haven't yet seen Toy Story 3, and I shudder. I know that we occupy the same world. Breathe the same air. Speak the same language. Have the same biological needs. It sickens me. You are so much less than I could ever be for not having seen Toy Story 3. Until you've seen this movie I have passed bigger things than you through my urethra, and they were less painful to me than the concept of you, let alone your (god help me avoid it) physical presence. My God, the fact that you have a corporeal body is just now sinking in. Okay, tangible person, let's get into a human aspect of the film.

I'm not the kind of reviewer who says things like "if you don't cry at this movie, you don't have a heart." That said, if you don't cry at Toy Story 3, you can go fuck yourself. Here is how many shits I give about the kind of person who does not at least fight back tears at this movie: zero. I'm all out of shits to give, and I certainly won't waste them on you. That was a pun on "waste." Try to keep up you slow, cellulitic, greasy, broken temples to corpulence. "I didn't cry at Toy Story 3," you say. You disgust me.

Hey, shit-for-brains, have you stopped reading this and gone to see Toy Story 3? I didn't think so. I don't understand how I could possibly be any more clear. How is this confusing you in any way? Go see the film. It is too good not to see. It is worth the money. If you don't believe me you are a syphilitic porn addict and most likely HIV positive. Get yourself checked out.

Oh, and don't see it in 3-D. I'm a vocal advocate for the technology most of the time, but it's more of a hindrance in this case.

As an addendum, allow me to repeat the advice I gave an acquaintance just moments ago: PIXAR CAN LITERALLY DO NO WRONG NEVER SKIP THEIR MOVIES.